What is Codependency?
Codependency is a complex problem that shows up in complex ways. To make sure it doesn’t remain as therapist gibberish, let’s dive into the definition.
You’re going to find many explanations of codependency online and in books. Below I will list some of my favorite explanations, followed up by my interpretations.
What is codependency?
“It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people’s behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive ‘helping,’ caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance for the bizarre, other-centeredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.” – Melody Beattie, Codependent No More (book)
“…an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules—rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.” – Robert Subby, Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue (book)
“Codependents have difficulty with (1) experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, (2) setting functional boundaries, (3) owning and expressing their reality, (4) taking care of their adult needs and wants, and (5) experiencing and expressing their reality moderately.” – Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence (book)
My definitions of codependency:
Codependency is emotional insecurity.
It’s the need to be needed by others. Not knowing your purpose otherwise.
It’s giving and giving to others until you have nothing left to give. And then complaining about no one giving a damn about what you need.
It’s being a martyr.
It’s getting stuck in your feelings and not knowing a way out of those feelings.
Hoping and wishing that someone else will get it—hoping they’ll bail you out of having to deal with yourself.
It’s obsessing with other people being happy, content, or at ease.
It’s being extremely uncomfortable with the uncomfortable.
It’s losing sight of yourself, your needs, and your values.
It’s stuffing down your thoughts and feelings.
It's people pleasing ramped up to an 11 out of 10.
It’s changing who you are or what you want to bend to other people’s will.
It's pervasive stress, unchecked anger, chronic resentment, paralyzing guilt, and toxic shame.
It’s not knowing how to let go of people who no longer serve you.
For some (for many), it’s the fear of being alone.
It’s fear of rejection, or not being liked by others.
It’s the over-reliance on external validation, approval, or acceptance by others.
It’s seeing your value in other people’s eyes.
It’s ignoring yourself, your needs, your wants.
It’s feeling like you have to keep doing things for others just to keep the peace.
And then constantly feeling like you’re not doing enough. Now you don’t feel like you’re enough.
It’s not believing in yourself. Or not being true to yourself.
It’s self-neglect.
I’m going to tell you what Melody Beattie tells us in her seminal book, Codependent No More:
Friends, we have suffered enough.
There is no learning in suffering. We can’t learn to feel better or be better humans while we are suffering. It’s time to move out of suffering, owning your pain, and then doing something about it.
Let’s look at where codependency comes from so we can begin to look into solutions.
Where does codependency come from? How does it develop?
Substance and mental health issues in the family system. When addiction or serious mental health issues enter the family system, it taxes everyone in it, in particular the children. Children learn to tiptoe around the person with the substance problem or depression problem. Children learn that their needs are not as important as their caregivers or family members.
Childhood physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; childhood neglect and abandonment. The trauma of childhood abuse, neglect and abandonment will shift the way a child views themselves. This type of dysfunction in the home prevents a child from feeling safe and secure. They will seek safety and security in ways that make sense to them, even if that is sex, alcohol, drugs, skipping school, and irresponsible friends. This child will do their best to take care of themselves in the way they learned how, codependency (being preoccupied with others’ needs) included.
Hyperfocus on compliance and order. There are many parents or caregivers who emphasize the importance of respect and compliance with rules. When that emphasis on compliance is not balanced by learning opportunities or grace for mistakes, a child learns something much different—I need to be perfect in order for them to see my worth. I need to do more to see my value.
A lack of conflict management. You could’ve had a relatively fine childhood, with the majority of your needs met. No abuse, no trauma, no neglect, no abandonment. However, if there was no modeling for how to deal with feelings or manage conflict in a healthy manner, then you didn’t learn how to deal with your own feelings. Codependents tend to deal with their own feelings by dealing with other people’s feelings. That feels safer—easier to solve.
The unspoken family rules that influence codependency
In Robert Subby’s book Lost in the Shuffle: The Co-Dependent Reality, he explains in Chapter 5 that there are 8 unspoken family rules that promote codependence. Those 8 rules are:
Rule 1. It’s not okay to talk about problems. This is the “no-talk” rule. What happens under this roof, stays under this roof. Nobody can know the family issues.
Rule 2. It’s not okay to talk about or express our feelings openly. Keep it inside—don’t let anyone see.
Rule 3. Don’t address issues or relationships directly. Codependents learn to communicate indirectly. Or, they just never talk about it, until it bursts out.
Rule 4. Always be strong, always be good, always be perfect. With this rule, think: unrealistic expectations. Perfect isn’t good enough. You have to do more to be enough.
Rule 5. Don’t be selfish. You learned that putting your needs before the needs of others was selfish, wrong. Putting yourself first, or speaking up about what you need, feels wrong. You begin to get your needs met in a strange way—through taking care of other’s needs. Now you’re gridlocked into resenting others and never taking care of yourself.
Rule 6. Do as I say… not as I do. When parents or caregivers do “bad” things, but tell you to do otherwise, you begin to not trust them. You become confused and suspicious. You start to not count on your caregivers to show up for you. “Why can’t they show up for me?” You may begin to question your own worth.
Rule 7. It’s not okay to play. Your early life may have been experienced as difficult and painful. Crises became normal. So the codependent becomes accustomed to crisis. Dealing with other people’s crises provides a sense of purpose. Or, if life was not difficult or painful, you learned that it was critical to prevent it from becoming difficult. You must do everything you can to ensure life is not difficult for others. You work twice as hard to make everyone else okay. There’s no time to enjoy your life.
Rule 8. Don’t rock the boat. This rule is the rule of suppression. Don’t make waves. Don’t bother saying anything. Comfort and peace are more important. You learned to suppress natural thoughts and feelings. Now, you automatically suppress your thoughts and feelings, to the point that you may not even know what you want.
My intention with bringing these family rules up is for your reflection. If any of the above resonate with you, reflect on it. Talk about it with a trusted confidante or your therapist. Explore what you learned with these rules.
How do I get out of this codependent tendency?
The resolution to codependency will lie in your ability to accept yourself. It is a multi-step process that often involves that you:
Educate yourself further. Read a book or listen to the audiobook. My favorite books are below. Understand this tendency more. Before we can change a behavior, we have to understand it inside and out.
Increase awareness of how codependence shows up for you. Once you read about it, start identifying how you relate to the “tendencies” of codependence. Many books describe the tendencies, symptoms, attitudes, or behaviors of codependents. Look at how those manifest for you.
Get support. Get support from a therapist and/or group of people that you resonate with. That saying, “it takes a village,” is not just a saying for parents or mothers raising children. It’s for you. Example supportive groups: Al-Anon (a 12-step support group for spouses and family members of individuals with addiction), Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA), and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI—a series of support groups for spouses, parents and family members whose loved ones have mental health issues). There are also a slew of supportive spaces online—Facebook groups, and following particular content or people on Facebook or Instagram.
Therapy can help. Start or re-start therapy. Talk to your current therapist about this if you believe you have this tendency. If you want to stay with your therapist but they’re not a specialist, ask them if they are willing to read a book with you as therapy progresses.
Other nuanced steps:
Figure out what skills you need to tolerate distress. With healing and growth, we begin to feel our pain and discomfort. You will need self-regulation, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation skills for this discomfort. Ensure you have skills to take care of your body and nervous system, that are beyond substances, food, and sex. There is no judgment here for individuals who find they depend on substances, food, sex, or other behaviors to stay level. It’s all about safety and security, right? Begin to explore which effective skills you need to navigate distress.
Ramp up your self-care. Get out a piece of paper, or bring out your phone, and start listing what you do for self-care. Add 10 things to that list and do one thing from your list this week, like your life depends on it.
Begin to look at how you view yourself. Are you self-critical? Do you doubt yourself, or question yourself? Increase awareness of how you view yourself.
Begin to work toward self-acceptance. If you have no idea what self-acceptance would look like, begin to journal about it. Talk about it with a trusted friend, your partner, or your therapist. Look at what blocks you from self-acceptance. Are there recurring emotions you’re having that block you from self-acceptance? Typically, shame, guilt, and anger are effective blockers at this. For example, it’s hard to have compassion for someone that you’re angry with—in particular if that person is you. Accepting ourselves can also look like reparenting or coaching ourselves through difficult situations. Begin to toy around with how reparenting would sound in your mind during difficult scenarios.
Example of what to tell yourself: “It makes sense that I feel frustrated by this. I know my urge is to shut down and not speak up, yet when I keep stuffing down my feelings, I end up resentful and frustrated with myself. I can take some time to reflect on this and come back to this conversation later today when I gather my thoughts.”
Books on Codependency:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself (Melody Beattie)
The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents (Melody Beattie)**
** There is a paid app entitled, “The Language of Letting Go,” which will send you daily notifications of excerpts from Melody’s book. The app contains excerpts that are quick and tangible, with a daily meditation. Note: This book and app have a spiritual element.Lost in the Shuffle: The Co-dependent Reality (Robert Suddy)
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives (Pia Mellody)
Disentangle: When You’ve Lost Yourself in Someone Else (Nancy Johnston)
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents (Lindsay Gibson)
In kindness,
Leya