How Imposter Syndrome Shows Up in Relationships
We’ve all felt it at some point: The feeling that you’re a phony, a fake. You’re not up to scratch. You don’t really know what you’re doing, and everyone knows it. Your success is not really success. You’re constantly feeling dissatisfied with yourself. You discount praise or compliments, even when you have valid, tangible accomplishments. You’re a perfectionist… to a fault. You are painfully aware of your deficiencies.
Imposter syndrome is a feeling of inadequacy that has left you feeling doubtful of yourself. It was a term (originally “imposter phenomenon”) coined by two psychologists, Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes, in 1978. These two psychologists noticed that their highly successful clients, predominantly women, did not feel worthy of their achievements despite feedback from the world that they were competent. Sound familiar?
If it feels familiar, then chances are you’ve experienced imposter syndrome both in your education and/or career, and also in your relationships. Particularly in your romantic relationships.
How does imposter syndrome impact relationships?
Let’s start with relationships with family.
When we grow up, ideally our parents or caregivers will acknowledge us for the people we are becoming… beyond our accomplishments or competence. However, it is human nature to look at accomplishments as an indicator of value—how can we not?
Parents give praise for good grades. Teachers give praise for kids who sit still in class and get good marks. Friends praise you for picking a good partner. Therapists applaud you for using your coping skills during the week. And while there is nothing fully wrong with these praises in isolation, many of us internalize one or more of the following messages across time:
I have to do good things to be a good person.
I need to try harder to be a better person.
I need to have validation for my accomplishments in order to feel good about myself.
I need to be validated to feel good about myself.
I need to be validated to feel my worth.
My best is not enough.
I am not enough.
Who wouldn’t spend time trying to prevent these thoughts or feelings? That’s what imposter syndrome is. It’s the actions you take in an attempt to get further away from these feelings, even if the feelings are untrue.
These chronic feelings of “my best is not enough” will follow you through school, through jobs, and through your relationships. And if we are not mindful of our imposter syndrome, it can wreak havoc on your sense of closeness, trust, safety, and intimacy with the most important person in your life: your partner.
How does imposter syndrome impact romantic relationships?
Have you ever thought to yourself, or said to your partner:
I don’t feel special or cared for.
It’s like you don’t care about me.
My needs don’t matter to you.
What I do is never enough for you.
I’m not enough for you.
If they knew the real me, they’d leave in an instant.
It’s only a matter of time before they leave me.
If you’ve ever had one of these thoughts, or said it out loud, imposter syndrome may be showing up in your romantic relationship. Here are the specific ways it can show up:
Codependence. Expending a lot of energy figuring out how to meet your partner’s needs and ignoring your own. Feeling resentful when your partner doesn’t fully meet your needs. Being reliant on the acknowledgment of your partner to maintain your self-esteem. Relying on your partner to help you feel like you’re needed, worthy, or right. Relying on constant reassurance and over-validation just to feel level. These are all signs or traits of codependency within self and/or a relationship.
The need to be right. If people with imposter syndrome tend to connect their accomplishments to their self-worth, then chances are they are perfectionistic, or feel bad about themselves when someone points out they’re wrong. This happens in relationships a lot. You are either directly told you are wrong, or it’s implied that you are wrong about something, and you feel triggered. Your “need to be right” in a conversation with your partner may show up as irritation, getting stuck on the nuances of the story of what happened or who did what. It is difficult to hold space for your partner when they are sharing how they feel, and you get defensive.
Emotional dysregulation. When the feeling of “my best is not enough” shows up, it feels like an objective truth. It can lead to feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness, shame, anger, and so on. You can get in your feelings and struggle to regulate yourself, and those feelings can spill into conversations with your partner. Those feelings can then dictate your actions and get in the way of closeness with your partner. When we are emotionally dysregulated, it is far more challenging to “show up” for our partners and “listen to listen,” or hold space for them.
Masking. You may not be showing your true self or talk about your insecurities. You could be glazing over the details of how you feel and pretending you are ok. You could be feeling inadequate as a person or partner, or feeling dissatisfied with something your partner keeps doing. Masking can ultimately lead to emotional distance or avoidance, and/or buried feelings rushing out during conflicts.
Inability to connect. If you are busy trying to figure out how to “play a role” (e.g. being the good son/daughter/friend/partner), then it will be difficult to be your real self, and thus be difficult to form a deep and meaningful connection with your partner. Feelings of insecurity and inadequacy can be a barrier to connection, and place strain on the relationship.
Tips for working through imposter syndrome in your relationship
Notice how your emotions come and go. Spend an entire week noticing your emotions in every part of your life: Work, home, 1:1 time with your partner, with your children, during leisure time. This task is not as easy as it may sound, as many of us focus in on the actions of others, or we fixate on thoughts (e.g. overthinking). Don’t focus in on thoughts. Observe your emotions or feelings. Emotions or feelings are usually one word or one short phrase. Examples: Frustrated, stressed, panic, overstimulated, zoned out, angry, numb, lonely, peaceful, proud.
Acknowledge your needs. Once you get the hang of noticing your emotions, begin to identify your needs. I encourage you to keep this practice simple. Here are some example needs that are straight forward: Restorative sleep, leisure time by yourself, exercise or movement, 1:1 time with partner, verbal affection, physical affection, social engagement with friends or peers, travel/adventure, etc. Identifying your needs for yourself is a way to minimize the feeling of self-doubt that comes along with imposter syndrome. Also, be mindful that your needs are balanced between what you can do for yourself and what we would typically hope or expect from our partners.
Start talking about your emotions and your needs with your partner. Start small and keep it simple. This is a practice in being vulnerable with your partner. I would suggest that you start by sharing your emotions about things that are not fully related to your partner. Think: Topics at work, emotions you had while caretaking for your children or family, or events in your community or the world at large. Remember to keep the focus on your emotions. Example: “I felt frustrated when I got a call from my boss. It’s like he doesn’t trust me at all.” Eventually, progress to sharing what your needs are with your partner. If you have trouble saying out loud to your partner what your needs are, or even identifying them in general, talk about this with a trusted confidante or with your therapist so you can get the practice.
Instead of shaming yourself, ask yourself, “What have I learned?” We all make mistakes and get into unnecessary arguments with our loved ones. And, many of us imposter syndrome-er’s will critique ourselves until the end of time and feel our efforts weren’t enough. Consider shifting that “my best is not enough” mentality to, “What can I learn about myself from what happened?” Shifting your focus from self-doubt or shame to growth and self-improvement will lead to improved self-esteem and will benefit your relationships as well.
The summary to these tips are to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, and to be gentle with yourself. If you suppress your feelings, then resentment builds, communication breaks down, and ineffective arguments happen. Ensure that the authentic you is showing up, and that you “show up for yourself” during hard times.
In kindness,
Leya