Codependence and Control: Getting to the Root of Control Issues
When I first learned about codependence, I didn’t understand the “controlling” aspect of the condition. I couldn’t understand why people kept saying codependents were controlling. That was mostly because I was deep in denial of my own codependence and my own issues with control. At the time (in my denial), I would think to myself, “But aren’t codependents just trying to help people with their problems? Isn’t it just being helpful, giving and empathic? What’s so controlling about showing love through actions?”
Helpful… fixing problems… giving… empathic… acts of service… All good things. None of this in my book is inherently bad. Is it possible to be helpful, giving, empathic, and help people with their problems without being controlling? Yes, it is.
At what point does being helpful, fixing people’s problems, and acts of service become controlling? It becomes controlling when the codependent person becomes obsessed with helping or caretaking. The need to be helpful, the need to mitigate stress for others – these things have completely taken over the codependent’s brain and body. It is the fuel that keeps the engine going. It also becomes controlling when, in their attempt to help others, they inadvertently hurt them or prevent them from experiencing life’s natural consequences (either good or bad). In some circumstances, codependents can (not intentionally) treat others as fragile, or may view others as unable to care for themselves.
Why is control such an issue for codependents?
The quick answer is fear. Fear of what? That depends on the person and their life experiences.
If you were to ask someone that self-identifies as codependent what their fear is about, their responses may range from:
Fear of abandonment
Fear of being alone
Fear of being worthless
Fear of being helpless
Fear of being powerless
Fear of failure
Fear of incompetence
Fear of not being a good son, daughter, husband, wife, partner, sister, brother, friend, etc.
Fear of failure to fulfill an important role
Fear that if I stop taking care of others, will I know how to take care of myself?
And what would that mean if I didn’t know how to take care of myself? What would happen to me?
Melody Beattie spoke about this issue of control and how fear is the driving force behind controlling behaviors. She said it well in her book, The New Codependency:
“We’re afraid of what will happen if we let people be who they are, ourselves be who we are, or let Life keep evolving without our influence or help.” (The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation, Melody Beattie, pg. 98)
Codependents also struggle with self-control. Helping other people deal with their problems, either life-wise or emotional problems? Sure, no sweat. They’re cool as a cucumber in the face of someone else’s issues. But are codependents taking care of their own problems, life-wise or emotional? Usually not.
Before when I used the word “obsessed,” I meant the kind of obsessed where the codependent gets completely lost in the obsession of “tending” to another person. And while I have no research or scientific evidence at this moment in time to prove my theory, after years of treating codependence and taking an honest look at my own internal world, I think codependents get a dopamine rush when helping others. And this is a dopamine rush that they do not get when taking care of themselves. The physiological reward is so strong in caretaking that it is motivating enough to keep doing it (thanks, dopamine).
What can codependents do about this control issue?
It’s important, if you self-identify as codependent and identify with some of these controlling traits, that you pay attention to feelings of fear.
Start by asking yourself or reflecting on the following:
What types of situations in your every day life are stressful or triggering?
What types of situations are you getting reactive in? Reactive means: Dysregulated, your stress response gets activated, you worry, you get frustrated, you’re snappy, you’re angry, you’re raising your voice or yelling, you spend time blaming others in your mind, you mentally ruminate for hours on end about the same thing, you feel guilty, you feel bad you haven’t “shown up” for someone you care about, your blood pressure or heart rate rises, or your body feels tense and/or very uncomfortable.
If you notice you are focusing or hyperfocusing on someone’s actions, or anticipating what their actions/reactions could be, first, notice that. Become more aware of this tendency in your thoughts.
Then, notice for feelings of anxiety, stress, or fear. Look inward, talk it out with someone trustworthy, and get in touch with what this fear is about. Name it. Be clear on what your fear is, and what it is in different contexts (e.g. with partner, with family of origin, with your kids, friends, etc).
What is the threat?
I always recommend that if you believe you are dealing with codependence issues, that you talk to someone you feel safe with and trust dearly about this, and/or talk to your therapist. If you have a therapist that doesn’t specialize in codependency but you’d really like to stick with them, ask them to read a book with you in tandem to enhance your understanding of codependence, how it is affecting your life now, and where it comes from. The more you understand yourself and learn how to take care of yourself, the less prominent these traits will become and the more power you will have over your own life and your inner world.
In kindness,
Leya