What Letting Go Looks Like
If you’re a self-identified codependent, you may have heard of phrases like detaching or “letting go”. But what does letting go look like in our lives and relationships? Are you supposed to just end your relationships with people, say no to every unreasonable request and not care what people think of you? Maybe for some, but continuing to live in the extreme, all-or-nothing mentality is just not effective.
In my own process of recovery from codependence, I have tried things here and there to let go. The list below is not a list that belongs anywhere official. It’s not a list that works for everyone. It’s just my list, and it’s fused together with other “letting go” tasks inspired by the clients I work with.
This list is meant to inspire you and give you ideas for your recovery and healing. It is not complete, as I could probably add another 10 things tomorrow, as could you.
Here’s what letting go looks like to some of us codependents:
Practicing being alone regardless of relationship status
Not having to be right
Letting a room in your home be a mess
Cleaning and organizing a space in your home you’ve neglected for months or years
Giving time and space for your feelings
Paying attention to your burnout level
Telling someone you love, “I really want to hear about this. But I’ll have to listen later. I need to rest.” And then resting.
Being ok with someone’s disappointment in you
Ending a soul-crushing, destructive relationship
Believing someone else can fix their own problem
Doing something productive with your anger and resentment, like asking for what you need, or saying “no”
Being ok with not doing things “right” according to others
Letting go of the need to make others happy
Letting go of the formula in your mind that computes what decision, actions, and behaviors you need to do to please another person
Reminding yourself that someone else’s anger is someone else’s anger, and not something you need to fix or stop
Gently coming out of your fantasy mind and coming back to your body, the earth, and your mind
Firing yourself from one or more of the unpaid, unspoken jobs you do for others that brings you nothing but exhaustion, resentment and bitterness
Turning away mentally, emotionally, and physically from an hours-long fight with your partner and turning your mind toward your needs
Having the courage to take a step towards self-love, even if it means your partner may become angry, lonely or disappointed in you
Letting go of the need for your partner, mother, father, boss, best friend, or child to like you, love you, or approve of you
Not needing to change someone to become better, healthier, happier, or more successful
Firing the critical voice in your mind that’s holding up the clip-boarded list of things you didn’t do right
Committing to working on your abandonment fears in therapy, support groups, in confidence with your best friend, journaling, through spirituality, with your sponsor, reading, & etc.
Not forcing solutions on people
Acknowledging you will never 100% please another person. Then, pleasing the one person that’s 100% guaranteed to work — you
Having faith in your ability to make wise decisions
If you don’t have faith in yourself and your decisions, fake it first and consider it practice
Committing to finding your lost self and be-friending who you discover
In kindness,
Leya