Codependents as Chameleons
Image Source: https://animalfactguide.com/animal-facts/chameleon/
Have you ever seen a chameleon in nature or in photographs? They are lizards that can do something pretty incredible—they change color based on their environment to avoid predators. If I were a lizard, I think I’d want to be a chameleon to avoid threats and danger at all costs.
If you find yourself able to shift and change aspects of your personality and interactional style based on which social setting you are in, you might have some codependent traits. It can be distressing to realize that you’ve sort of lost yourself. But let’s be clear on something—this ability to blend into environments and fit in or avoid threats is not necessarily good or bad. It’s about survival.
“How did I become a chameleon? And why do I keep doing this—changing myself—even though I know it’s not good for me?”
These are great questions to unpack in therapy or with a trusted friend or confidante. Here is my attempt to break down how this chameleon phenomenon develops, and why codependents keep doing it despite having an awareness of it.
First, let’s briefly review the meaning of codependency. Codependency is a set of traits or behaviors you develop that ends up looking like you’ve lost yourself. “Lost yourself” can look like:
Giving people more of your time than you actually have.
Giving people more money than you actually have.
Saying “yes” to things that are actually a “no” for you, but you’re afraid of the backlash or judgment by others.
That pressing need for others to view you as competent and capable, despite feeling like an imposter on the inside.
People pleasing.
If you are giving too much of yourself to other people or other causes, and do not use your intuition, moral compass, or whatever you describe as your inner self, then you might have lost yourself, or part of yourself.
How people become chameleons
Look at your family system growing up. Were there particular expectations or rules, either explicitly said out loud, or implicitly communicated?
Examples:
“Family first.”
“Respect your elders.”
“Be polite.”
“Never share family secrets.”
“Showing emotion is weak.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Be strong. Be independent.”
“You need to get married and have children, before __ age.”
“Find someone wealthy.”
“Therapy is for crazy people.”
I bet you could come up with 10 more of these.
You didn’t have a choice with the family you were raised by. You had to adapt to the environmental circumstances. Without a family or community to raise you, how else would you have made it? If you adopted or mimicked the same behaviors, you blended in and you made it through.
Codependents become chameleons to survive. Even if you had a relatively pleasant childhood with no big “T” trauma, and more medium or little “t” trauma, you can still become a chameleon. Though, even with surviving, you are not really thriving. It’s not pleasant to lose a sense of your individuality. People tell me it’s actually kind of disturbing.
Codependents keep up the chameleon habit because they don’t know how to fully distinguish between the past and the present. The past is happening now. You are stuck in survival mode, and you don’t know how to get out. Something needs healing or resolving. In addition, you don’t have the skills yet to break the cycle or pattern.
“How do I break this chameleon habit and be more true to myself?”
Begin learning about who you are behind the people-pleasing, approval-seeking, and masking. There are a variety of ways you can learn about who you are:
Track the emotions you have on a daily basis. Look for themes. Anxiety? Frustration? Guilt? What are these emotions saying about you?
Use your emotions to figure out what your needs are. Depleted? Overwhelmed? Do you need sleep, rest, time, connection to others, more stimulation, less stimulation, boundaries, etc?
Look at what kind of skills you need to begin meeting your needs. Emotion regulation skills? Stress management skills? Assertiveness skills? Boundaries?
Learn about your values. Visit the following link for a free online Values/Strengths Assessment. It will give you an idea of what’s important to you. Then, journal about those values or the things that are important to you, and how you are, or are not yet, honoring your values. https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/account/register
In kindness,
Leya